What a title, am I right? I suppose I should give two warnings before moving on.
WARNING #1: This post talks about suicidal ideation. If that’s a trigger for you, read at your own risk. However, I hope by being open and talking about this subject we can all find our voice and the courage to keep talking about the hard things. You’re not alone, it really does get better.
WARNING #2: Less of a warning, and more of a statement of fact – I’m not a harm to myself or others. I see a therapist regularly (next appointment tomorrow morning) and we discuss this topic, among others. This is not a cry for help. This is a way to start a conversation on a difficult subject.
Great. Now that we have that all cleared up, let’s talk about suicide. Those who struggle with suicidal ideation fall into one of two camps – active or passive. Active suicidal ideation is when there is a plan in place and the person has every intention of ending their own life. Passive suicidal ideation is when a person has thoughts that they wish they were dead. It’s less of a, “I want to end my life,” and more of a, “If my life ended, I wouldn’t be upset.”
For the last year, I have dealt with passive suicidal ideation. As with everything involving mental health, there are good days and bad days. On good days, I don’t think about it at all, or maybe just once as I’m drifting off to sleep, Today was really great, but I know tomorrow I’ll be back to the same, depressed, hopeless me, so if I just didn’t wake up and ended things on a good note, I’d be ok with that. On bad days, I wake up to an earthquake of emotions, fears, anxieties, and doubts, the aftershocks of which are felt throughout the rest of the day. On these days I start out with the thought, I wish I never woke up, which easily slides into, I wish I never existed. It doesn’t take much for these thoughts to surface on a bad day. I said something embarrassing at work? I hope my bus crashes on the way home so I don’t have to face these people tomorrow. I don’t hear from friends or family for a few days? No one cares about me and no one would notice if I disappeared.
I know, so overdramatic, right? I agree. And then I feel stupid and embarrassed because I can’t handle life like all the other, normal, functioning adults, and I’m so far gone, maybe I should just give up. Thus the downward spiral continues. I also feel so guilty when I have these thoughts. I can’t actually imagine leaving my husband, my friends, my family, and yes, my cat. I know these thoughts aren’t true, but they feel very real and insurmountable.
My therapist says these are Automatic Negative Thoughts, aka: ANTs. And they need to be squashed. There are many different kinds of ANTs. The all or nothing ANT says that circumstances, people, or you are all good or all bad. The always thinking ANT tries to slip in overgeneralized words (always, never, everyone, etc.) to make a situation seem overwhelming. I’m never going to lose weight; Everyone always ignores me. The fortune-telling ANT assumes the worst case scenario in every relationship and situation. The mind reading ANT predicts what others are going to say or how they will react even though they haven’t said anything, and more importantly, before you even ask what they think.
How do we squash ANTs? With the truth. Here are a few truths to counter the lies that have come up already in this post:
Things won’t ever get better
So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. – 2 Corinthians 4:16-18
God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. – 2 Timothy 1:7
I wish I never woke up this morning.
I cried aloud to the Lord, and he answered me from his holy hill. I lay down and slept; I woke again, for the Lord sustained me. – Psalm 3:4&5
But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. – Lamentations 3:21-23
I wish I never existed.
For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things were created through him and for him. And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together. – Colossians 1:16&17
And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. – Philippians 1:6
No one cares about me.
Great is our Lord and mighty in power; his understanding has no limit. – Psalm 147:5
Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved. – Psalm 55:22
He will wipe away all tears from their eyes. There will be no more death, no more grief or crying or pain. The old things have disappeared. – Revelation 21:4
I’m too far gone.
If we are unfaithful, he remains faithful, for he cannot deny who he is. – 2 Timiothy 2:13
For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. – Romans 8:38&39
The steps of a man are established by the Lord, when he delights in his way; though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong, for the Lord upholds his hand. – Psalm 37:23&24
I should just give up.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. – 2 Corinthians 12:9
Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. – Romans 12:12
Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. – Galatians 6:9
To him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy— to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore! Amen. – Jude 24&25
I know these are true thoughts, I have experienced this truth time and time again in my life. However, it is still a choice to recognize and isolate the lie and then turn to the truth. I spent an hour in bed after dinner tonight with the covers over my head thinking that life is pointless and I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up. And then I got out of bed, removed myself from that space – physically and mentally – and decided to write a blog post about it.
Hopefully this resonates with someone. So often I think to myself, “I don’t know what I’m doing! I want to get better but I don’t know how!” I still don’t know what I’m doing but I do know it starts with believing the truth.
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
for his name’s sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
– Psalm 23
