I wrote a lot of letters while at The Center. Angry letters, not so angry letters, self-compassion letters, and processing letters. The last letter I wrote was to my body.
This is hard to share, but it’s my truth and my process.
Dear Body,
Our complicated relationship started when we were five. Due to abuse at daycar, we were separated. You were used and tossed aside while I blocked it out and hid away. I don’t remember everything, but I know you do.
I started feeling ashamed of you. I hurt you when I was confused, angry, overwhelmed, or thinking bad thoughts. Sometimes I hurt you with food – too much or too little. Other times I hurt you with words and thoughts. On the bad days, I used my fingernails to dig in and feel my pain in the most visceral way. When my fingernails were not enough, I used other sharp objects. I threw you down on the altar of my anguish and watched you bleed.
And then I hated you for what I had done. Sometimes it’s actually physically painful to look at you in the mirror…
The letter continues on in the same way. I didn’t realize how much I truly hated my body until I read that letter out loud to my therapist. I couldn’t even get halfway through it before I started crying. The things I said were so cruel. Where did they even come from? I would never say things like that to another human being and it would absolutely break my heart to hear someone else say that about themselves.
I haven’t talked about my self-harm with many therapists, but writing this letter helped me to connect all the ways I self-harm – not just cutting, but with food, with words, with thoughts. I also never truly realized the separation of body and mind I created all those years ago. I always thought the self-inflicted injuries were misguided anger turned inward, but it’s more than that. I’m punishing myself. But why?
“Well that makes sense,” my therapist told me. “You learned from a very young age that ‘they’ hurt you, so now you hurt you.”
A wave of sadness, anger, and awareness came over me. Was it really that simple?
I was sad for that little girl who learned shame and punishment so early on it became a core part of her, and angry for all the times life reinforced that lesson on her. I was aware of how that learned behavior made me seek out more pain – there is some part of me that so strongly believes this is what I was created for.
So how do you tear down idealogical constructs that have been decades in the making? One brick at a time.
I’m not just going to relearn everything I’ve ever thought about myself. I can’t even stop the negative thoughts from forming. But I can add positive ones. My therapist suggested adding in some positive self-talk in the morning as I’m getting ready.
The idea isn’t a new one. The Bible talks about taking every thought captive (2 Corinthians 10:5), and thinking about what is true, honorable, and just (Philippians 4:8).
Here’s to healing the whole self and reconnecting body, mind, and spirit!
Heal me, Lord, and I will be healed;
Jeremiah 17:14
save me and I will be saved,
for you are the one I praise.
