By: Deb Anderson
“Serotonin reuptake inhibitor.” It may not have the same ring to it as the word Freedom, but to me—yes, words of freedom. I received the official diagnosis of clinical depression in 1996. One of my assignments during the course of my initial treatment was to re-create my family tree with a notation by the names of those who had also been diagnosed with depression or some other type of mental illness. I chose to notate by drawing a nut. (Get it? Tree? Nut? https://adelightfulblogaboutdepression.com/Nut-job?)
It was alarming to see all the names—grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins. This was a time when episodes of severe depression leading to an inpatient hospital stay were referred to as ‘a nervous breakdown.’ Carrying on with the nut theme, I added an extra nut for anyone who had had a nervous breakdown. There seemed to be a lot of double-nuts on the ol’ family tree.
In unpacking the meaning of my nutty family tree with my therapist, I was devastated to think that chances were greater than 50-50 that I had passed this ‘character flaw’ on to my children. I wouldn’t want anyone to struggle in these murky depths—especially not my own little darlings! This idea of a great black cloud hovering, ready to pounce on my son and daughter was devastating to me.
As I continued to learn about not only my own depression, but about depression in general, I began reading about anti-depressant medications and how they work:
• Serotonin: a chemical produced in my body (known as a neurotransmitter) that affects how my brain operates
• Reuptake: after the neurotransmitter completes its circuit, so to speak, my body reabsorbs the serotonin (Who knew? And why can’t my body reabsorb fat cells too?)
• Inhibitor: putting the lid on this reabsorption process
Scientists know that low levels of serotonin are associated with depression, although it is unknown if low serotonin causes depression or if depression causes low levels of serotonin.
So, how can depression be a character flaw? How can depression be the result of not trying hard enough? How can depression represent a lack of faith on my part? That’s the point. It’s not about that at all.
Serotonin. Reuptake. Inhibitor. A medication that helps those of us who don’t manufacture sufficient serotonin on our own. Freedom. Freedom from guilt (“just try harder!”), freedom from condemnation (“aren’t you praying about this?”), freedom to be assured that if one of my children does someday receive the diagnosis of clinical depression, I can say, “It’s because of our nutty family tree.”